I write this piece because it is easy to fall into the trap of ingratitude. The little you have could be your job that pays a dollar a day. It could also be that one parent you have who is not rich. It could also be your health. Know that the present could get worse in so many different ways. So, its important to appreciate what you have at this exact moment.
For me, I am grateful for my sanity. I recall days when I would have given up anything to be as calm as I am right now. There were days I was extremely troubled. Most of my mental torture stemmed from deep seated childhood trauma. I grew up as a normal kid until I noted that people had a problem with how quiet I was. I was also shy. I could not talk to strangers and in class I always covered my mouth with my left hand whenever I was asked to speak in front of the other kids. The first people to discover my awkward nature were my grandparents and then the rest of my relatives. Mind you, I never had this problem with my family or close friends. However, whenever I felt more than one person pay attention towards me, I would freeze. This problem became worse especially during family gatherings where I was always the topic of conversation.
Luckily, I would find extreme comfort within the pages of a book. Whenever I felt any uncomfortable feelings, I could not manage, I would open a book and my anxieties would die down. On the days that I could not hide in my books, I would resolve to daydreaming. I would be seated somewhere and my mind would be somewhere in Paris walking the stony paths in stilettoes. My mother would be scolding me for doing shoddy work and my mind would be in the beach with a very handsome man. My family would be watching news while my mind would be by the riverside fishing. I really loved those day dreams; they kept me alive. However, books and daydreaming could only get me so far. In high school, my weaknesses would intensify. I was a frequent bedwetter, I could not speak to a group of people and I had body insecurities. My body had grown and was now curvy, opposing the childlikeness that still occupied my soul. My internal state was a world apart from my external state. Luckily, I could get good grades, actually I was always the best in class. The higher my grades, the more confident I became. I made more friends and could easily overlook my dark past. In school, I felt safe and my bedwetting problem disappeared. However, the little progress I made was hampered once I got home.
Once, I got to college. I started on personal development. I began liking my body, I embraced my curves. I experimented with sex and made a multitude of friend, real friends. I shared my traumas with my friends and together we helped each other grow. I started making money and was able to provide for my family. I bought food and clothes that made me feel better. After college, I got jobs and I worked hard. My star shone and my future was brighter than ever. Then I started stagnating. The jobs were not as rewarding as I had anticipated. Bosses were toxic, I was sexually preyed on and somehow, the more money I made, the more I got into debt. I turned to alcohol to fight the mental distress. I got numerous boyfriends and friends. I started multiple businesses and somehow, I seemed to be doing badly in life until I decided to ask myself the hard questions. Who was I? What do I want out of life? Why am I here? What do I need? What matters to me? How can I achieve peace of mind? It took me years to answer this last question. I believe I have the final answer now, and it goes like this, I become peaceful by existing in a peaceful state of mind. This state of mind is made of hope, love, forgiveness, rest and organization. It is achieved by limiting all forms of toxic people, environments, and information. Protecting my mind to keep it peaceful has cost me so much. It has cost me jobs, friendships, romantic relationships, and lifestyles. That is why I am grateful today for my state of mind. I have fought so hard to be here and I know that it takes a split of a second to lose this beautiful gift.
So today I am grateful to the universe for all that I am.
