Chirywrites : GRIEVE

The best people in our lives are the ones who accept us for who we are. In early 2022, my father lost his mom, and I lost my grandma. The one thing I miss most about that woman is her ability to know when I don’t want to talk about something. She would ask, and I would talk about a different thing. She would change the topic and talk about a different matter. For the things that she was really interested in,she would ask another person. As she got older, she started to forget, so when she asked me a question and I didn’t answer, she would ask again. That’s when I knew she wasn’t herself anymore. It broke my heart so bad that I started to answer truthfully to everything she asked. She started to forget people, and she would ask you who you were. I remember going to visit her with someone, and she didn’t recognize him. I remember my heart skipping a bit. I could see the pain in that person’s eyes. When it got to me, she recognized me, and I have never been that excited about visiting her. I even called my mom that day and told her she had started to forget people, and she asked me if she was okay. Other than the slight memory loss, she was always okay otherwise. Later that day, when I saw my mom, I told her that the day grandma would not recognize me, I would cry, and they all better be ready to comfort me because I wasn’t going to be okay. I thank God because, until her last day, she recognized me. She wasn’t, and she fell and hurt her leg. She stayed in the hospital; as fate would have it, she was admitted to the hospital I was working at. We would have so many healthcare providers surrounding her bed in white coats, and she would look directly at me. She had this thing she would do with her eyes when she couldn’t talk anymore. She made me feel seen always; she never once forgot to ask about any of her children,all of her children.She loved us so much that even though she didn’t say it, we always knew. During the planning of her funeral, the thing that broke me the most was writing her eulogy. Words couldn’t describe how much she meant to us and to me as a person. Writing about her in the past tense broke me; it made me feel empty. Sometimes I forget and tell myself I’ll go see her when I go home, then remember she’s not here. Some days I will be doing something, and I can hear her voice. She loved our achievements. She came for our school functions and celebrated our wins. Grief is a journey, and I have learned to walk this one without formula. I have learned to remind myself that life is a process, but no matter what it is, the pain is still here. Every win we had, she would say she blessed us. I remember her telling my mother not to worry and that she would be blessed for everything she did. Oh, if she were here today, she would sing for joy, for the blessings have arrived in full measure. She told my dad that his children would take care of him the way that he took care of her. Oh grandma You were right about so many things. I cannot wait to see what the future holds. It has taken me this long to write about you,to talk about you in absentia, and to accept that you aren’t here. Today I remembered her, and one thing still stands out: she truly loved her children. She gave us everything she had and taught us everything she knew. We may not have been ready to let go,but she was, and I hope she knew how much we loved her. Keep resting, grandma; the memories live with us. I miss you. You truly loved me.