I am looking into the eyes of a child. Let me start from the beginning. I am sitting somewhere, and across from me is a baby and her mom. She is about a year old and is a baby. She wants to play,wants to be held, and is even trying to eat everything she touches. She keeps smiling at me, and I keep wondering how pure children’s are.
I am admiring the casual way in which this baby is existing, falling because she knows she’ll be caught. Keeps biting things just because. The purity and ability to be free-spirited in children are amazing. It’s been an interesting few minutes before I remember something.
Someone has been saying that I have baby fever. I don’t think I do because, for many years now, it has been my conscious decision not to have another child. I have thought a lot about it lately. The fact that I am craving teddy bears, like every time I see one, I go, “Aaaaw, that’s so cute.”.
One thing is for sure: I know that I am not ready, but now I am no longer terrified. I know that one I might get another, and one day I might try again. Unlike two years ago, when it was a definite no,now I don’t feel like I can’t do it. Would I get pregnant today if I had the chance? Definitely not. Will I do it next year? I don’t know. What I know is that the trauma that led me to anxiety every time I thought about a baby was gone. The reason that kept me awake every time I had a pregnancy scare is gone.
In psychology, this isn’t about a baby,the need to have one, or the craving to think about it. It isn’t about tiny little feet and tiny little hands; it is about more. It is about this journey,the healing process, and the reality of how much has changed.
I look in the mirror and see a beautiful girl, a grown woman who has conquered her fears. She is an amazing mother who has raised a beautiful, confident girl. I see a daughter who has done everything she can to make her parents proud. I see a beautiful sister who has shown up for her siblings in the best way she knows how.
Professionally, I may not be where I want to be, but I have shown up for my clients the best way there is. I have held the Hippocratic Oath with the utmost of regards. I have held my end of being ethical.
Today, as I look into these innocent eyes, I know for a fact that it’s God’s way of saying something. It’s his way of reminding me that this alleged baby fever is about how far I have come to get to a place of peace. A place of love, peace, and contentment. The place of pure grace I have come to a place of living as God intended to, as a woman worthy of his name.
