Niceness Foolosophy

I have struggled with relationships most of my life, both personal and professional. I have many times felt taken advantage of, not respected and misunderstood. I never thought all along that the cause of all my problems was me. The one thing I thought was my biggest virtue was actually my biggest vice and it infected every area of my life. You see I was a nice girl. This was my entire identity and a tag that I wore proudly like a big S on my chest.  In my warped state of mind, niceness equaled goodness and when people said how nice I was it affirmed to me how good I was. 

So when did it all begin to change? When I began to ask myself why my colleagues always seemed to have an easier time at work than me. I always seemed to get stuck with the nonsensical jobs while the work that they did was closer to their job descriptions. They left on time and I was almost always the last to leave the office.  I also seemed to get stuck with the worst bosses.  I asked myself why someone who I had met a few times felt it was ok to ask me for a ridiculous favor or for money.  Of course, like the nice girl that I was I obliged while grinding my teeth. I also asked myself why I felt like my friends did not respect me. They would make me do what they wanted to do and not what I wanted to do. Some felt that it was their role to  tell me what to do with my life. My opinions often discounted and my requests ignored.

Niceness Problem

The thing with niceness is that it’s a fallacy. It’s a big lie. Here’s  why

1.     It comes from fear

There is this belief that I had that I must be accepted and that to be accepted I must be liked and to be liked I must do what people want and be how they want.  The fear of being disliked makes nice people bend over backwards to do what other people want and think they should do.

2.     Good people aren’t necessarily nice people

When I think of a good person, I think of a virtuous person someone who is even able to stand up against injustice. This means that they are able to get in people faces, call out people’s BS* and even say no to requests that go against what they believe in. Would you ever describe that as being nice? 

3.     It does not support authenticity

Nice people are too afraid to hurt  other peoples feelings and the truth is sometimes saying what you think and how you really feel about something will hurt someones feelings.  In addition, if you are busy trying to morph into the different shapes that people want you to morph into, when do they get to see your true shape?.

4.     Opposite poles attract

The reality is that in this world they are people who prey on the people they perceive as weak and know won’t stand up for themselves. That’s why I t the bosses that I did, they knew that I wouldn’t say no, that I wouldn’t complain. They would shudder at asking other people to do the things they asked me to do because they knew what would come their way.

5.     It shows others how to treat you

Theirs is a saying that goes “you are the only person who can show the world how you want to be treated”. If you don’t respect and stand for your own thoughts, opinions , feelings and beliefs then you are telling the world that they are not of value and the world will believe you because who else can have a better opinion on you than you.

Niceness solution

If you have suffered from niceness like I have here is what I recommend:-

1.     Question your beliefs

What meaning have you attached to being nice. Is it like me who thought that niceness meant goodness?

2.     Look at the rewards

The reason we keep the nice person is because there is some kind of reward. Maybe its validation and acceptance from those around us. Maybe its favours from our bosses because we complied with their wants. Really be honest about what rewards you perceive that you are getting from the niceness and ask you self whether its really worth the cost.

3.     Know that you are not for everyone

If you think about peanuts, I can eat them all day every day, I have a friend who can’t stand them and I’ve heard of people can die from eating them. People are so different that they can’t like the same things. Therefore, your people will stick around and those who can’t will fall by the way side.

4.     Only you can represent you

You are the only person who can ever truly represent yourself. You are the only person who can let the world know what you really want, think and feel. No one else even those who know you best ever will. So start showing up for your self.

5.     Trust that people can deal

Just the same way you deal with your own emotions and feelings other people are capable of handling their own. Even if it comes by way of you expressing your truth to them. Trust them..they can deal.