There creeps an eerie feeling when you suddenly realise that you’re actually stuck in the middle of nowhere. Its just like in the movies— you look around and all you can see is blurry figures walking past you mumbling incoherently, vehicles zooming all about with their lights flushing red and bright orange, tall bulidings whirling around like you’re in a middle of a storm. Time seems to have stopped yet it feels like forever. Space itself seems to slam hard aginst you making you feel literally spaced-out. Mental confusion results into dizziness and a realisation sneaks its way into you, the realisation of your own silliness.
Such was my plight a few years ago when I was an overconfident 18 year old fresh from high-school. That morning as I woke up, I thought I heard the devil whisper to me,
” Have a rotten day”.
“F you,” I announced to the devil after praying for a good day.
I dressed up casually — black jeans 👖,a black t-shirt and black crocs and of course my trademark Rastafari bandanna. I felt very ready and set, and so I boarded a somewhat comfy shuttle. As soon as the engine purred to life, the driver, a turbarned man with a surprisingly beautiful set of piano-key teeth, assumed that we were all from the Mountain so he played kegosho at max volume, much to the auditory discomfort of all passengers who immediately pressed thier earphones hard into thier ears 👂🏽 in a bid to channel less spiritual but more entertaining music.
Somewhere past Kikuyu, my heart increased in rhythm as I looked towards the rising buildings of the misty Capital in the far distance. I glanced at my phone and was a bit worried because I didn’t have enough charge but who gives a damn? 💁♂️. I knew where i was going, i was an adult and my wallet had mumps. We alighted, leaving the grinning driver nodding his head and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to some fast tempered Akurino jingle.
Initially my plan was simple: arrive at Nairobi, do my business, head back home. Little did I know that the native savages of Nairobi had better plans for me!
“Brathe twende wapi?” A bearded nduthe-rian inquired after me making a slight nod at him.
I told him where I was going, jumped on his bike and away we throttled. After a 10 minute ride I had reached to my appointment in which I would be engaged for a couple more hours. So far, so good 👍.
After finalising my process, I felt compelled to pass through a little hotel down the street. I pampered myself to a sinia of masala chips, a salad and mango chutney.
“Nitalipa na Mpesa”, I told the hand-extending waitress who stood over my shoulder. She smiled and turned away, swinging her flamboyant fundaments this way and that 😉
Shock 😲 is when you realise that you left your money-laden safaricom SIM card on some surface at home and SIM 1 and SIM 2 are Airtel and Telcom lines respectively, both of which do not have money because, after all, who uses Airtel money transfer?
“Relax”, my poetic psyche inspired me, ” you still have a chunk
in your pocket bank”.
Luckily, I had several extra hundreds not counting my fare back to Naks. I spashed away the food bill and made my way out but not before giving a parting wink to the fair-skinned stewardess.
The afternoon sun was out and shining. A perfect Nairobi day. I said to myself, ” there’s no need of taking a bike back to the matatu stage. I’m in no hurry, I’ll walk. Its healthy to walk. And who knows, I might take a couple city selfies and post them to my WhatsApp status or IG. Or I might take a short vedio and upload it on YouTube 😎. I have the advantage of time and money. The money is in my wallet. My wallet is in my back pocket…” I extended my hand to feel the wallet and you guessed it…it was not missing. I removed it and shifted it to my front pocket where my phone was. I smiled to myself because I’d never had a by-myself-walk in Nairobi. I was achieving things. HOORAY!! 🤺🤺
When I reached at the stage to take a Nakuru car, I was in for a hell of a surprise. As I reached for my wallet I had a strange sensation. My wallet felt concave, oh no, it WAS concave! 🥴 Opening it was not necessary because even after doing so there was nothing in it save an old and rusted 5 shilling coin and my ID waiting card. Genuinely confused, I gave myself a full body frisk. The passers-by gave me the “you’re such an idiot” look and indeed I felt like one. I traced my way back to the little hotel looking all around with vain hopes that I’d get my money back but it was already obvious that I was chasing a mirage.
May God deal squarely with that sneaky thief who may still be at large sneaking his way into people’s wallets and lives😖. But of course, life would be incomplete without such escapedes 🤷.
How I eventually made it back to Naks Vegas is a long story for another day.
